I want to be the kind of person who can let go and say,”Congratulations! And good luck.” But I can’t.
Manfriend Ex called to say he was seeing someone new.
I was pissed off. How the fuck does he get to move on so quickly when I’m still hung up on him? Seriously, I am that annoying girl who won’t shut up about her ex. I hate being that girl. And I hate being angry about him moving on. It’s not my business. It’s not something I get to have much of an opinion on. It’s not as though either Ex or New Girl will be inclined to listen to what I have to say about their relationship.
I was so angry when I heard the news. I could barely talk. I eventually got around to crying my eyes out in a coffee shop. Thankfully an aspect of being so foreign here to garner stares also means people will leave me alone when I completely lose my shit in public. My next step was to write a crazy ass long email to Ex explaining all my reasons for being angry. As though I somehow needed to justify my emotions to him.
So now that’s bothering me. I have a lot of questions about his behavior that I suspect will remain unanswered and that’s okay. Korea is working very hard at teaching me it’s okay to not know and understand everything all the time. But I’m really annoyed with myself for feeling guilty that our relationship ended and for feeling as though I have to justify being angry. Before coming to Korea I tricked myself into thinking I was an adult woman who could make her own decisions and stick to her guns, damn the consequences. Turns out I’m just a 12-year-old who’s terrified no one will like her.
Ex’s message only reminded me of our failed relationship and his rejection so I immediately become that awkward pre-teen who can’t function. I haven’t accomplished much these days. I’ve stopped writing and I go through the lessons like I’m on auto-pilot. That’s not exactly my favorite state of living. This added another level of anger to the entire situation for me.
I’m still pissed at myself, Ex and New Girl. And you know what? I’m not going to justify it. I’m angry. Deal with it.
Jamie tells me I’ll eventually learn to let things go. And maybe I will.
But for right now, I’m going to get back to work knowing I’m a good teacher and writer. So move on, Ex, I’ll go on loving life here in South Korea.
There’s weird food to eat, soju to drink and men to meet.